Misty Mundae: Mummy Raider

A trash-movie conflation of two hits (The Mummy and Tomb Raider), as is Seduction Cinema’s wont (though they usually only rip off one big hit at a time, making this venture unusually ambitious for them). I’d been meaning to sample the cheerfully schlocky wares of Seduction Cinema — throwback as it is to the palmy days of ’70s exploitation, when actresses thought nothing of stripping in the service of inane action/horror “plots” — and this seemed like a good start; I had hoped that, if nothing else, it might be more entertaining than Tomb Raider. Besides, look at Misty Mundae; she looks too adorable waving those guns around.

One may, if one is so inclined, discover more about Ms. Mundae via her website; her career thus far has been long on video fromage like this one (and at least one hardcore offering)¹. What she has to sell is a certain wide-eyed sweetness and a general laid-back demeanor, as if she’s not taking her job all that seriously. She also has an offhand, if lackadaisical, way with dialogue; she kind of shrugs and smiles her way through her role. Still, if you find her comely, there are worse things to watch.

Such as what calls itself a story here. Kristen (Darian Caine) has been kidnapped by neo-Nazi Dr. Humboldt (Esmerelda DeLarocca) because she knows how to revive a mummy in Dr. Humboldt’s possession. With this mummy, the Fourth Reich will become invincible (hard to see how, since the mummy turns to dust with one well-aimed bullet). So it’s Misty Mundae, mummy raider, to the rescue! Misty shoots lots of henchmen (including the director, a jack-of-all-trades who also shot and edited the video and designed the mummy make-up) and saves Kristen and her professor dad (screenwriter Bruce Hallenbeck).

That takes up a whole ninety minutes? Um, no. Because the movie only runs 46 minutes. And here’s the funny part: there’s exactly 24 minutes’ worth of story here. Literally. Because 24 minutes in, Misty and Kristen settle in for some Sapphic recreation. After a while, the forgiven Dr. Humboldt joins in (never taking off her camouflage hat). This goes on for the remainder of the 46-minute video. (Less about five minutes for the credits and a senseless recap of the film’s “highlights” to pad things out.) In this case, brevity is the soul of shit.

Oh, so it’s that kind of video. Yep. Pretty much what you’d expect from the studio that brought you The Erotic Witch Project, Erotic Survivor, Playmate of the Apes, and Gladiator Eroticus. This is one of their few products that aren’t immediately recognizable as what it is — lesbian softcore — and therefore runs the risk of being purchased by clueless moms for their kids. I find that possibility amusing (and a little scary — it only took one pissed-off Texas mom to get the Swamp Thing DVD not only pulled from Blockbuster shelves but pulled from the frickin’ market).

As a movie, it’s pretty shabby. The actresses read their lines. It’s all shot in what looks to be a warehouse. I got a chuckle out of the difference between the shots wherein Misty is actually firing live blanks (she blinks) and when she’s just aiming the gun with its muzzle offscreen and jiggling it to suggest discharge so that a gunshot sound can be looped in later (she doesn’t blink). I guess the crew needed to save money for blanks wherever they could. The music, by Audio Assembley (sic), adds the ridiculous sighing ambience of, well, lesbian softcore. Which, I repeat, is what this is; the 24 minutes before the real action are merely justification.

As softcore, it’s…eh. Never cared much for girl-girl action, since it’s so obviously staged for the benefit of lesbo-obsessed guys and very rarely shows any semblance of genuine lust or even affection. I skip-searched through most of it. The first 24 minutes are pretty skip-worthy, too, especially if you’re a lesbo-obsessed guy, in which case you’ll likely want to jump to the halfway mark to catch what you bought/rented the disc for.

¹She was pretty good in a “straight” role, acting under her given name Erin Brown, in Lucky McKee’s Sick Girl (2006).

Explore posts in the same categories: action/adventure, one of the year's worst

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